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Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the human race Is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how . . .?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But it's just* a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day . . . )

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save more time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Planter's peanuts:
"Warning: contains peanuts."
(Talk about a newsflash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Great suggestion . . . )

Submitted: Thu Nov 4 22:16:41 1999