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Interviews
(The bones we've picked with other people)

A Behind the scenes look at the internet's most interesting people.

Ye Olde Offramp Motel


----- Original Message -----
From: Dominius Mookpiloh <Dom@TheFunnyBone.com>
To: The Funnybone <lozers@TheFunnyBone.com
Sent: Saturday, November 13, 1999 2:18 PM
Subject: Re: Interview with Dave Cilluffo <Dave@offrampmotel.com>

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Children of all ages. TheFunnyBone.com proudly presents the Ye Olde Offramp Motel Heavyweight Champion of the world! Dave!



Dom: Dave, thanks for allowing us this interview.

Dave: No problem.  Actually, though, it's not so much me agreeing to do it as the fact that it counts towards my community service hours.

Dom: May I call you 'Sparkles'?

Dave: Only if I can call you 'Reylando.'

Reylando: No problem. Okay, first and foremost. Can you explain your letters for us?

Dave:  Well, Reynaldo, my letters are pretty much what I do when I'm bored.  Some people get drunk, some bite their nails, I write letters.  It's just a matter of writing the most insane letter imaginable, yet leaving it just sane enough that the people reading it this that, "Hey, maybe this guy is serious."

Dom: I don't like the name Reylando anymore. Now, your letters are world famous (except maybe in Greenland) for their remarkable innocence and flagrant stupidity. How do you get your inspiration?

Dave: I think it's mostly the fact that I am far more intelligent than the average human.  It could also be because I watch a lot of "TV" and lack anything resembling a social life.  Seriously, though, I see all these companies and products and how they're marketed and advertised, and I think to myself "They have got to be kidding."  Then I capitalize on that.  Or else I'll sit down and think, "What's the most off-the-wall question I can ask these people and get them to respond."  Then I'll write the letter.

Dom: Any new letters in the works?

Dave: There are always letters in the works!

Dom: Great! Any idea when can we expect some refreshing new ones?

Dave: Normally, I have a new one every Sunday.  Lately, however, I've been pretty lazy.  But next Sunday definately.  And occasionally, I'll surprise everyone with a letter during the middle of the week.

Dom: What's the general feedback on the letters you're getting from visitors?

Dave:  Well, it completely floored me the first time I got fan mail.  That was quite a surprise.  Of course, I get some hate mail every once in a while, but I suspect that it's mostly from Canadians.  I also get a lot of people sending me letters that they wrote.  Frankly, a lot of them really suck, but there have been some really good ones -- ones I wish I would have come up with.  Unfortunately, due to an unexpected hard drive crash (is there any other kind?) I lost most of them.  So if anyone out there sent me a funny letter, send it again so I can put it on the website.

Dom: Do you realize you misspelled the word 'Old' in "Ye Olde"?

Dave: That's very nice, but we're not here for a spelling lesson -- we're here to talk about me.

Dom: Now, after all those requests, how many keychains have you actually received?

Dave: Alas; only one--from the great folks at the Chiquita Banana company. However, I have received things like t-shirts, coupons, and even stuffed animals.

Dom: Can I have some coupons?

Dave: Check your Sunday paper.

Dom: So, How 'Bout those Yankees?

Dave: Don't care--I'm still pissed at the Mets pitching.

Dom: How many years of University did it take you to become an Exterminators Assistant?

Dave: Several.  It takes several years.

Dom: You must be very dedicated. Could you get rid of this squirrel
 infestation in my attic?

Dave: I probably could, but I don't do charity work.  And judging by your clothes, you couldn't afford to pay.

Dom: Have you ever had no response at all from a company?

Dave: More often than not.  When I write a letter, it's usually done in one take, which takes around 5 minutes.  Then I'll send it out to as many companies as I can.  For example, if I write a letter that has to do with fast food, I'll send it to McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, etc.  Then I sit back and wait for the responses to roll in.  It's very rare to get a response on the first try.  But I've found it you send the same letter 15 or 20 times, eventually you'll get *some* sort of response.

Dom: How about responses that you couldn't post?

Dave: Yeah, it was a great letter, too--I wrote to McDonald's telling them how, through the use of a private investigator, I found that their Filet O' Fish was made from Goldfish.  I did get a response, but it wasn't what I was used to: they called me at work!   I wish I had a recording of the conversation, but alas, it will live on only in my memory.

Dom: Well, we can always try to re-enact the call. I'll be you, and you be McDonald's. Whadaya say?

Dave: Well, if it's any indication, the call started off something like, "Hello Mr. Cilluffo, this is so-and-so from McDonald's Corporation.  We wanted to discuss your.... um.... your... uhhh.... letter."

Dom: Do you have any idea where my pants might be? They were here a second ago...

Dave: Why are you looking at me like that?

Dom: Um.... no reason. Have you ever composed a letter that was so bad you were too ashamed to put it up?

Dave: Yeah -- when I first started out, I wrote some pretty bad ones.  They were originally on the website, but have since been removed.  Occasionally, I'll write a letter and send it, and after reading it later, decide that it could have been much better.  Those I usually throw away and send a "new and improved version" to some other company.

Dom: Thanks for not running away screaming. I hope you enjoyed this interview as much as I did. Can.. can I call you sometime?

Dave: Only if you live in a state with no anti-stalking laws
 




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